Late Night Funnies

One touching moment the other night during Barack Obama’s speech. Oprah was crying, did you see that? Jesse Jackson was crying. Hillary
Clinton was crying. I think Hillary’s still crying, if I’m not mistaken. (Jay Leno)

FOX news reported today that the election never happened. It was all just a dream. (Tim Hunter)

And political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama’s win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, “Unprecedented? You mean, he didn’t win? He got unpresidented? “ (Jay Leno)

At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call. (David Letterman)

People all over the world were celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. (Craig Ferguson)

Barack Obama and Democrats will gain control of Congress and the White House. World reaction is pouring in. Australia’s prime minister offered political asylum, safe passage and new identities to Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency. (Craig Ferguson)

According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama. (Jay Leno)

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation’s first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing. (Pedro Bartes)

President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pit bull named Sarah. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It’s the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers. (Jay Leno)

Set your clocks back an hour this weekend. I’m thinking, great idea — if there’s one thing we need it’s an extra hour of 2008. President Bush has already set the clocks back — to 1929, thank you. (David Letterman)

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back. It’s the end of Daylight Savings. That’s too bad — that’s all the saving most Americans have now. (Craig Ferguson)

President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. That’s right. Yeah, and actually, Obama’s first phone call was to Sarah Palin. (Conan O’Brien)

Most of the newspapers with the picture of Obama on the cover were sold out Wednesday morning. Democrats wanted a picture of Obama to remember a historic moment, Republicans wanted a picture to use as target for shooting practice. (Pedro Bartes)

Barack Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out “Born in the USA” and Obama said, “For the last time, yes, I was!” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Right about now, John McCain is at home saying, “If only I didn’t anger Dave, if only I didn’t anger Dave.” (David Letterman)

A Republican operative has accused Sarah Palin of being unsure that Africa is a continent. Although she reportedly was 99 percent certain that McCain is incontinent. (Marc Ragovin)

A lot of speculation about Sarah Palin’s future, but last night, she denied rumors that she’s getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said: “That’s a long time away. I’ll be a great-grandmother by then.” (Conan O’Brien)

President Bush is said to be hiding from the media until the elections are over so he won’t hurt McCain’s chances. Apparently, he’s hiding where nobody expects him to be, at the White House library.  (Pedro Bartes)

Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama and promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. When we heard this, Obama said, “Thanks, but you’ve done enough.” (Conan O’Brien)

New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to charge hoppers six cents every time they use a plastic bag. Enforcing morality through taxation’s not a new idea, and it’s expected to grow as New York’s cash-hungry government imposes levies on other harmful substances such as butterfat, sugar, and the New York Times. (Scot Witt)

With Obama’s victory, Republicans are finally going to have the war they have wished for such a long time. Unfortunately the war is going to be within the Republican Party. (Pedro Bartes)

Assistant Secretary for Immigration Julie Myers has resigned. She just doesn’t have any more work to do now that the economy has tanked and no one is immigrating to America anymore. (Jake Novak)

If this week has taught us anything, it’s taught us that America’s a place where anything is possible, except maybe the Detroit Lions winning a football game. (Jay Leno)

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